


yes, there is a chain and no, you're not on it

by strictlybecca



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Developing Friendships, Epistolary, M/M, Missing Scene, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-04-14 05:49:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 5,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14129424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strictlybecca/pseuds/strictlybecca
Summary: Patrick and Stevie's text chain.





	1. girls' night

**Author's Note:**

> it's not the first time i've showed up late to a fandom with a caramel macchiato, skim, two sweeteners and a sprinkle of cocoa, but here i am, ridiculously obsessed with patrick and david and head over fuckin heels for stevie. i've started four fics in the last 48 hours and this is the only one that seemed even close to reasonable to try and pursue. this is also my first time using legit work skins/coding on Ao3, so wish me luck, i already hate myself for it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't tell David I assaulted you with inappropriate use of emoticons."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know who first realized that patrick was reading the reviews from the laxative gummy bears on amazon when david walks in during this scene, but whoever you are, you're a star and i love you.

Stevie  
  
Hey it’s Patrick, David gave me your number because he says you’ll be by later to pick something up  
hey  
  
cool  
  
thx  
  
is around noon ok to come by  
  
Absolutely!!! I'll be here waiting! ;)  
  
do you always text like a soccer mom or  
  
I regretted the winky face the second I hit send  
  
good  
  
now you can stew in that regret for the entirety of our relationship  
  
Don't tell David I assaulted you with inappropriate use of emoticons  
  
already sent him a screenshot with the caption "break up with him"  
  
I deserve that  
  


Stevie  
  
realized i have no idea when you guys actually open because david leaves at a different time every morning  
Hahaha  
9 am, but David’s always treated hours like a suggestion rather than a hard and fast rule  
He’s usually in by 9:30 to be fair  
ok i’m coming by this morning  
i’m addicted to those dumb kale things you guys carry but i don’t want david to know about it  
Your secret is safe with me  
And our receipt drawer  
**Today** 10:57 AM  
Here’s the link to the rest of the gummy bear reviews: [here](https://www.amazon.com/Albanese-Candy-Assorted-Flavors-Gluten/product-reviews/B00DE4GWWY)  
omg  
yes  
thx  
this is exactly what I need for my next desk shift  
I feel like that could be dangerous u know me i live on the edge  
You and your kale chips  
Hardcore  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a heads up, this fic starts with their conversation in episode 4 and then jumps back real quick to episode 2, then 3, and then so on and so forth from that point in order. if that doesn't work for you, i'm real sorry but them's the breaks.
> 
> you can find me @strictlybecca on tumblr and @thebeccaroo on twitter. i literally know no one who watches this show, so pls be friends with me.


	2. pregnancy test

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "have you died of embarrassment yet"

Stevie  
  
hey so i just wanted to explain a little more abt the whole jake thing  
i did NOT mean for that awkward encounter at my apt to happen  
I figured that whole exchange was probably not your goal  
Unless it was some form of kinky embarrassment-based foreplay  
Not to shame you or anything   
oh god, imagine  
u would have every right to shame away  
but no  
that was not my plan  
i uh  
i didn’t want to fuck anything up for you and david  
Well, we had to talk definitely  
abt how scummy a friend i am  
likely  
Mostly it was just a painful dissection of my insecurities that I had been hoping to keep hidden for at least another 3-5 months  
shit  
patrick  
u have to know  
david got over jake in a fucking heartbeat   
not just saying this to make myself sound better  
but i swear to god whatever crush david had  
is nothing to the disgusting gross fucked up feelings he has for u  
That’s… sweet  
I think  
I did my best not to sound like I had literally never been in a relationship before but I guess you win some, you lose some  


Stevie  
  
I mean, it wasn’t about measuring up to the exes, but it might have been a little bit about measuring up  
i’m flattered  
but just so you know  
i’ve heard good things fyi  
What  
word on the street  
is that you definitely   
measure up  
**Today** 11:19 PM  
Jesus christ   
**Today** 11:24 PM  
Really?  
yup  
Okay  
have you died of embarrassment yet  
Stop getting off on this  
don’t kinkshame me  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've got a few of these written and am planning more, but if you have any ideas for any episodes, please feel free to suggest them!


	3. asbestos fest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Where do you stand on beating up high school boys?"

Stevie  
  
**Today** 1:42 PM  
Where do you stand on beating up high school boys  
i prefer standing ON the bodies of the teenage boys i’ve beaten up  
if that answers your question  
Perfect  
If I can’t get David to get rid of the crowd of smelly youths by the end of today, I’m calling you in  
u desperately want to call them hooligans don’t u  
It's just the perfect word!!!  
And David has this weird thing about them complimenting his outfits  
**Today** 1:58 PM  
ok so here’s what I think  
david grew up with a lot of people telling him how great he is all the time  
and i think he’s figured out that a lot of that was fake  
and that waaaay fewer people than he thought actually believed he was cool  
especially like Real People  
high schoolers are cruel and rude and honest  
them telling him he’s even part way cool is probably satisfying some weird empty hole in him  
I would have chosen words that were not “weird”, “empty” or “hole”  
But I guess that makes sense  
and now he’s just got u me and alexis  
and we generally trend towards teasing the shit out of him  
in the end i think it’s better for him as a person  
but probably less ego stroking than the olden days  
Are you saying we should be nicer? Am I not complimenting him enough? noooo fucking way  
ur boyfriend’s an asshole  
he’s lucky to have us in his life  
**Today** 2:08 PM  
and u guys are gross enough as is  
**Today** 2:13 PM  
also sorry but ur not cool enough to have him take compliments from you about his clothes  
**Today** 2:21 PM  
do you even get his clothes most days?  
Yeah, no  
hard same  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the image of stevie scaring off high schoolers will live on in my heart forever.


	4. rip moira rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Okay maybe this is the worst text I’ve ever sent but  
> David hasn’t texted me this morning so I just need to ask  
> Mrs. Rose is...alive, right?"

Stevie  
  
**Today** 8:52 AM  
Okay maybe this is the worst text I’ve ever sent but  
David hasn’t texted me this morning so I just need to ask  
Mrs. Rose is...alive, right?  
omg yes  
i saw the same tweets this morning  
dont worry  
i’ve seen her with my own two eyes  
Oh thank god  
  


Stevie  
  
**Today** 12:57 PM  
uh ok quick question  
hypothetically  
what would u do if there was tv crew outside ur place of work  
Why would there be a TV crew outside the motel  
Oh crap  
Mrs. Rose  
yeah  
Have you told her yet?  
not yet  
not really sure how she's gonna take it  
Going to take a stab in the dark at that one and say  
Probably not well?  
yeah  
ok i'm headed over  
i'll keep u updated  
**Today** 1:43 PM  
ok so  
as expected: not good  
i can still hear her screaming from next door  
i think she's run through several wigs at least  
i'll have to head back soon  
she thinks i'm providing refreshments for the news truck  
Oh man  
Do you need backup?  
I think Mrs. Rose is generally amenable to my existence  
I did once talk her down from thinking she'd killed a man  
Two heads might be better than one against a Rose?  
David's in the middle of reorganizing a single display basket so he'll be busy for hours  
He definitely wouldn't notice me leaving  
ur kind for offering to throw yourself on this grenade but i think this may be best dealt with one on one  
i just dont think shes considering that this is probably best case scenario  
maybe the motel isn't the ideal backdrop for pulling a lazarus   
its way more important that she control her own narrative about this  
You’re right  
That makes perfect sense to me  
The question becomes can you convince her of that  
You know her better than I do  
welllllll  
the thing is she and david are a lot alike  
a lot  
Ah  
I assume my usual go to of letting him figure out that I was right all along but also letting him pretend it was his idea from the start won’t necessarily work  
moira doesn’t do great with things like  
thinking things through  
or patience  
So it sounds like you're going to have to just present it as appealingly as you can and hope she goes for it  
that’s what i’m thinking  
Well  
Good luck  
Godspeed  
Etc etc  
remember me fondly  
or like  
at least with a beer in my hand  
I promise I won't let David commission anyone to create a bust of you in memorial  
thank u  
ur a true friend  



	5. open mic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i think he is repressing his terror so hard his organs might burst"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got two chapters up today! one of the events of "rip moira rose" and everyone's favorite episode: "open mic" :D enjoy!

Stevie  
  
hey  
are you actually any good at guitar  
I see you and David have spoken  
i think he is repressing his terror so hard that his organs might burst  
so for his sake i hope the answer is yes  
but like for straight up entertainment value  
i hope the answer is no  
I do okay  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxX-RdEcZMY ??  
ohohohohoooo  
you  
do not suck  
Don’t tell David?  
of course not  
watching him squirm about this is now fourteen times as delicious  
My feelings exactly  


Stevie  
  
**Today** 2:32 PM  
Hey what do you think David's weird thing about open mics is about  
He's basically vibrating out of his skin whenever I see him  
I mean I'm not helping by actively playing really poorly whenever he gets close  
But still  
ahahahaha  
I mean I know he has a crippling fear of secondhand embarrassment but do you think that's all  
also a hatred of improv  
Right, right of course  
Naturally  
do u think he has a traumatic past experience with someone serenading him  
Oh noooo  
It's terrible that I'm laughing but I'm laughing  
What song would they have chosen  
wonderwall  
i think some overly buff manchild must have whipped out a guitar once and told him that he'd learned a song for him  
and then literally said the words "anyway, here's wonderwall"  
and then butchered it in front of a LOT of people  
and now david's traumatized  
Oh poor David  
He deserves so much better  
ugh  
im not going to charge you for exposing me to that little piece of sickeningly sweet sincerity  
but fyi i just threw up in my mouth  
**Today** 2:40 PM  
in all honesty i think it's most likely due to the amount of times david has had to embarrass the shit out of himself to help his family  
and he's just trying to figure out how best to protect u from urself  
Oh  
That's kind of sweet then actually  
What degree do you think he'd be willing to go to in order to save me if I went up there and was awful?  
murder tbh  
Me? or himself?  
everyone in the room probably  
to prevent the news from getting out  
I shouldn't find that as sweet as I do  
no u shouldnt  
but here u are  
it's a real good thing ur as weird as david  
Yeah I think so too :)  
UGH  
yeah for real just vomited a little  
You're welcome :) :) :) :)  
GROSS STOP  
:)  


Stevie  
  
**Today** 9:36 PM  
break a leg dude  
**Today** 9:44 PM  
i wanted to puke  
that was disgusting  
ly good  
Haha  
Thanks  
also i recorded every embarrassing expression david made while watching it  
You’re a goddess among women  
vid in ur email  
:)  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a note, the story chapters are marked 5/5 now, but the fic isn't done yet! they'll just keep going up in number as i add more conversations; it's just that unfinished fics give me the heebie jeebies and every conversation can stand on its own anyway.
> 
> in addition, thank you for all your kind words! i love everyone in this general-but-specific-store! [insert the lyrics of simply the best here] also please feel free to leave me any ideas you have of conversations that stevie and patrick should have, i am happy to take suggestions :D
> 
> you can find me @strictlybecca on tumblr or @thebeccaroo on twitter for further shenanigans.


	6. the barbecue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dedicated to my true love, @modernnature
> 
> this one ended up being more serious thanks to the delightful angst this episode delivers, but hopefully i managed to still capture stevie's stevieness and patrick's patrickness. let me know!

Stevie  
  
**Today** 9:29 AM  
happy anniversary  
this the funniest one yet tbh  
I was particularly proud of the cookie  
Just tacky enough  
But I also know he’s going to inhale the whole thing given the slightest chance  
well imo this one was the best because i got to personally deliver it in front of all of the roses  
and embarrass the shit out of him  
Ahahahaha  
I’m so glad  
I couldn’t have dreamed it better  


Stevie  
  
**Today** 3:13 PM  
patrick  
patrick  
save me from grillmaster rose  
On my way!  
As soon as I can get David to stop futzing with the front display  
so like see you three hours  
I’ll tell him you’re in need and see if that does anything  
Okay he saw your text  
He says, “Ha ha” but in a tone that distinctly means he is not amused  
perfect  
nailed it  
now pls come save me i might murder mr. rose  
  


Stevie  
  
**Today** 4:28 PM  
So  
I’m headed out  
You can let David know I’m gone if he wants to come out  
**Today** 4:34 PM  
Also there should be a few more medium rare sliders for him if he wants more  


Stevie  
  
**Today** 11:28 PM  
Hey Stevie, I’m sorry.  
for what  
For not telling David about Rachel  
why are you apologizing to me  
you should be apologizing to him  
I have, I definitely have  
He wants space and I get it  
And it sucks  
But I get it and I’m giving it to him  
But I think you also deserve an apology  
i’m listening  
I came in to your best friend’s life  
And I hurt him  
And if I know you both the way I do, you’re going to be the one cleaning up my mess  
Because you’d hate for me to say it but you are an incredible friend and person  
And you don’t deserve having to fix something I shouldn’t have messed up  
u messed up pretty bad  
i know u care about him but   
you are currently the reason he is wearing sunglasses indoors and talking to his mother’s wigs  
getting him to trust u and then not living up to that is pretty shitty  
especially if u care about him  
I care about David a lot  
And not telling him was definitely partially about hiding anything that could possibly make him want to break up with me  
But it was mostly genuinely believing that that part of my life is no longer relevant to where I am now  
I know I sound like every terrible boyfriend who has ever fucked up but I swear I’m not the same person I was before  
I was deeply unhappy for a pretty long time and I didn’t know why  
you don’t have to explain about rachel  
I feel like I have to  
here’s the thing patrick  
you have found your way into a group of people who are all various shades of fucked up  
i guess it’s a relief to know you’re a bit of a fuck up too  
so no  
u don’t have to explain everything about ur relationship with rachel  
i assume u weren’t hiding things to be a bad guy  
i mostly just assume u and david are not great with talking about the past  
You assume correctly  
We never talked about David’s past  
I mean, except for you and Jake I guess  
oh great  
So I just assumed our pasts would be a conversation we’d have in the future  
Maybe the far future  
Like years from now  
that was some serious wishful thinking  
but i get it  
in the end, i’m on ur side  
not literally obviously  
u fucked up like whoa  
but on ur side because i think this relationship is the best thing for both of u  
and i want u to both be happy  
So does that mean if I text you to ask how he’s doing you might tell me?  
depends  
how often are u planning on texting me  
I know the answer should be “every so often”  
But I’m gonna be honest here  
Like several times a day probably  
then hard pass  
nope  
I…  
Am not above begging at this point  
ur a better person than this  
I appreciate that  
I’m not  
But I appreciate that you believe that  
**Today** 11:54 PM  
...  
So how is he  
dont make me block u  
**Today** 11:59 PM  
he’s eaten 6 sliders  
if he doesn’t survive i’ll let you know  



	7. the jazzaguy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "so i've accidentally taken david on a honeymoon"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> triple extra thanks to @modernnature for catching the fact that i still fuck up david and patrick's names sometimes (dialogue only is hard!!!! /whine)

Stevie  
  
Hey, are you free later today? Want to grab dinner?  
sorry i can’t  
i’m taking david out  
**Today** 9:43 AM  
Oh  
Okay  
Good  
That’s good.  
ur so transparent  
not OUT out  
not to like a bar to find a new cute boyfriend to replace the old one  
just on a little outing to get him out of bed  
where he’s been wallowing for days  
Oh!  
Okay!  
Good!  
Not good that he’s wallowing, of course.   
Good that he’s getting out!  
and that he’s maybe missing you  
No  
Maybe  
Fuck  
Is there even a right answer here  
One that doesn’t make me an asshole?  
fuck if i know  
the category of ‘things that make you an asshole’ encompasses literally everything i know and am  
btw  
u should also try getting out and about  
the store doesn’t count  
If I tell you that everything reminds me of David...  
then i’m going to puke  
BYE  
  


Stevie  
  
Did you sic the town on me?  
Twyla just stopped by the store to ask me to come taste test something terrifying  
And when I came by I got forcibly roped into lunch with Bob and Ronnie  
was it mozzarella sticks  
u know those are dangerous patrick  
r u alive  
r u ok  
This isn’t grade school Stevie  
I don’t need help making friends  
no  
but u do need help remembering u have some  
**Today** 12:58 PM  
You’re right  
I’m sorry  
Thank you  
np  
  


Stevie  
  
so i’ve accidentally taken david on a honeymoon  
What  
the place we’re at thinks we’re here honeymooning  
there’s a bathtub in the middle of the room  
and there are a LOT of rose petals  
so many flowers died for this  
Very important:  
Are there towel swans?  
like at least five  
Good  
As we all know they are the most romantic of all of the birds  
Also very important: is David dying?  
he’s barely holding on  
this much kitsch may just be too much for him  
there are balloons patrick  
many many balloons  
Oh no  
This may be the end  
Tell David goodbye for me  
tell him urself  
u two need to start communicating again  
He asked for space  
I’m doing my best  
  


Stevie  
  
**Today** 8:50 PM  
a giant weird sweater wearing birdie just told me that u two HAVE been texting  
You knew that  
Logistical texts  
David needed me to take his shift at the store today  
hmmmmmm  
it seemed like more than just work texts from david’s face  
and from the bottle of wine just delivered to our table  
but sure ok  
“logistical”  
Okay  
So  
I may have used the opening to inquire about where you guys were going  
mmhmm  
that’s all  
sure sure  
Look  
I am doing everything in my power to not be an asshole  
But   
I also really want my boyfriend back  
**Today** 9:02 PM  
Ugh  
Am I going overboard?  
Was it too much  
nah  
chill  
the wine was a nice touch  
plus  
bonus for me: free alc  
**Today** 9:16 PM  
and   
the card made him smile  
**Today** 9:28 PM  
stop being smug  
I didn’t say anything!  
ur smugness is deafening  
and wipe off whatever dumb expression is now on your face  
I’m not making a dumb expression  
u are and u know it  
now stop  
it’s gross  
You can’t even see me!  
ur disgusting feelings are so obvious i can hear them from here  
put them away  
okay david’s about to come out of the bathroom  
i’ll talk to u later  
**Today** 9:39 PM  
Hey  
??  
Have a great time tonight  
You deserve it  
gross  
**Today** 9:44 PM  
thx  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @[romance-and-nibblies](http://romance-and-nibblies.tumblr.com/) on tumblr posted awhile back about patrick becoming a jazzagal and it's literally all i could think about while re-watching this episode to write this chapter
> 
> someone's gotta do it. just sayin.
> 
> also, thanks to all of you for your continued support on this ridiculous fic! it means the world to me :D


	8. the gesture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i’m ignoring ur desperate cries for attention and instead prioritizing my own needs"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's no real update schedule for this fic but i feel pretty comfortable saying this one is late as fuuuuuuuck - apologies! i had a lovely week out of the country but now i'm back - so enjoy!

Stevie  
  
patrick   
Yes?  
have u resorted to bribery  
**Friday** 9:21 AM  
ur silence is telling  
and so is the absolutely ridiculous box of chocolates i just signed for  
It’s not bribery  
It’s an olive branch  
A gentle reminder  
that ur a superior boyfriend?  
No! Just something to cheer him up  
And remind him that there’s someone thinking of him  
and this has nothing to do with the fact that the first time david texted u first since the bbq was after u sent us that bottle of wine  
I plead the fifth  
I’m pretty sure the Constitution says I don’t have to incriminate myself for your entertainment  
sure of course   
whatever u want  
i’ll just keep this reaction video i took of david getting the chocolates to myself then  
...  
This is cruel and unusual treatment  
Possibly a violation of the Geneva Convention  
would u believe that that is not the first time i’ve heard that from a man  
  


Stevie  
  
**Friday** 4:58 PM  
ur boyfriend is very annoying  
Not my boyfriend currently  
But ok  
i’m ignoring ur desperate cries for attention and instead prioritizing my own needs  
which right now are complaining about the fact that without u and the store to take up all his time he is obnoxious and everywhere and i need him to go away  
even twyla is getting annoyed with him being underfoot  
god i can’t wait for u two to get back together  
You can’t say that like you know it’s going to happen  
David could decide it’s not worth it  
Or that my lie of omission was too big a violation of his trust   
This could be it Stevie  
okay 1. i know everything and 2. trust me  
How can I trust you when you lied about taking a video of David getting the chocolates   
all i can say is  
everything in life is a risk  
suck it up buttercup  
All right  
Have fun entertaining David til the end of time with no help from me  
oh fuck  
  


Stevie  
  
**Saturday** 5:20 PM  
so  
how are things   
Things are fine  
Why?  
can’t a friend just inquire about the well-being of another friend  
No because I am instantly made suspicious by such overt care and concern   
What do you want?  
so no one’s texted u today  
or stopped by the store  
No?  
Was someone supposed to?  
fuuuuck  
okay nvm  
bye  
Wait is this about David  
Was David supposed to come see me?  
Why would David come see me?  
Stevie?  
You can’t just say that and then ignore me  
Stevie  
Stevie  
STEVIE  
  


Stevie  
  
**Sunday** 9:55 AM  
Stevie  
He hasn’t texted me  
Does this mean he’s just humoring me at this point by not flat out saying no?  
It’s been a week now  
ur overthinking this  
That’s what I do  
All I have is time at this point  
i understand that u have mild to moderate sized baggage and that u sometimes need to talk things out to get ur shit together   
but tbh i can’t field ur emotional bullshit at this precise moment  
Oh  
....Do you have emotional bullshit you would like me to field?  
no  
**Sunday** 10:03 AM  
yes  
why are men so WEIRD and hard to understand???  
Well  
We are socially groomed from a young age to ignore all emotions that aren’t rage?  
So we become really terrible at expressing ourselves in any meaningful way?  
And so our ability to communicate is intensely stunted?  
So much so that we can’t even speak honestly to ourselves or the people we care about?  
........  
all right mr. i’ve-clearly-been-to-therapy  
specifically i was referring to mr. rose  
who gave me a truly dumb gift and now i think he’s telling me he wants me to change the way i look?  
...  
Oookay yeah I definitely cannot help you  
are u saying i’m beyond help??  
No!  
I’m saying that I’ve only just barely managed to begin to scratch the surface of interpreting Rose-based insanity  
I’m still an amateur  
Mr. Rose is waaaay beyond my ability  
yeah  
i mean i work with him every day and i still can’t figure out half of what he means  
this is a particularly mysterious wtf moment tho  
Yeah, understandably so  
Maybe ask David or Alexis?  
They probably have more insight on him and his…  
Quirks?  
i mean  
hopefully  
they’ve only known the man their whole lives  
But is that really enough time?  
…tru   
good idea  
thx  
  


Stevie  
  
so david is wearing a very nice bracelet today   
Is he?  
Oh.  
Good.  
**Today** 11:10 AM  
still no text?  
Yeah  
I think I should take the hint  
And maybe actually give him the space he asked for a week ago  
Jesus, no wonder he’s been ignoring me  
Could I be any more pathetic?  
hey  
no  
No, I couldn’t be more pathetic?  
Maybe desperate is a better descriptor  
shut up  
stop  
ur not pathetic and doing ur best to fix an important relationship is not desperate  
it might not mean much but i really do know this is going to end up okay  
Yeah maybe  
Or maybe the fact that he hasn’t texted me in days is the only message he needs to send  
  


Stevie  
  
**Today** 11:52 AM  
Okay I told him  
what  
David came back to the shop just now and I told him that he was right and we should just focus on the store and that I was sorry for not giving him space  
….and what did he say?  
He agreed, I guess  
oh my god  
What?  
i swear to fucking god u are both such idiots  
don’t talk to me until u two talk again  
Wait why?  
Stevie?  
Oh c'mon  
  


Stevie  
  
**Today** 12:15 PM  
Can you BELIEVE that David was waiting for more presents before getting back together???  
yes  
YES  
!!!!!!!!  
of course i can  
ur boyfriend is an asshole  
unless of course ur still pulling the “not technically my boyfriend right now” thing  
Shut up and stop pretending like you don’t know we’ll be back together the second me holding this over his head stops being so entertaining and therapeutic   
And did you know he wanted to get back together days ago??  
of course i did!!!  
apparently you two talk to no one else in this town ever  
so i’ve been fielding your respective emotional bullshit like some drastically underpaid dr. phil!!!  
jesus fuck i’ve wanted to kill both of u for days  
just please don’t fuck up again so i never have to do this again  
I promise  
**Today** 12:21 PM  
And thank you  
Come down to the cafe, I’m here eating lunch  
My treat  
just you?  
I’m letting David suffer and starve in retribution  
Until he can figure out how to make it up to me  
ur gonna end up buying him a sandwich aren’t u  
**Today** 12:26 PM  
Yeah probably  
ur a sucker  
Yeah  
A sucker with a boyfriend! :)  
ugh shut up before i make twyla force feed you mozzarella sticks in punishment  
Shutting up :)  
See you soon :)  
:)!!!!!!!  
GROSS  
**Today** 12:32 PM  
congrats on getting ur shit together tho  
Thanks  
For everything, Stevie  
Seriously  
yeah whatever  
**Today** 12:35 PM  
ur welcome  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all i literally had to make a timeline i got so confused writing this chapter! i'm hoping i'll get another one up in a few days to make up for my tardiness, but in the meanwhile, please let me know what you thought! thanks for all the comments, they are my most favorite thing in the world!!!
> 
> i'm @strictlybecca on tumblr for any further questions or concerns :)


	9. baby sprinkle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Comforting to know that David and I will just slowly make each other worse at interacting with humans until there’s no one left who will speak to us"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friends! i love showing up to parties months late with starbucks! sorry about the delay but i am now off for the summer and life is good. new chapters should be up shortly :)

Stevie  
  
**Today** 10:03 AM  
Sometimes I forget that David might be an alien from an entirely different planet than the one we have called home our entire lives  
what weird and bizarre thing has he done that clued u back into this fact  
Just some random small town bullshit social rules, I guess?  
He offered to “take care of” Jocelyn’s baby shower  
1\. haHA  
2\. i didn’t realize he was willing to put up money like tht for something related to his least favorite type of human  
He didn’t realize he had to pay for it all  
ahhhh  
yeah that sounds like david  
david was raised on planet rich   
which is a world very unlike our own  
we’re lucky we can even communicate w/ him  
I don’t know if lucky is the word  
He’s probably going to text you soon  
Can you please make sure he doesn’t try to feed Jocelyn raw fish and alcohol?  
This event is supposed to help promote the store and giving Jocelyn and her baby mercury poisoning seems counterproductive  
**Today** 11:29 AM  
i just googled it and man  
i NEVER want to be pregnant  
good job figuring out the gay thing  
because man oh man fuck this shit  
Now you’re making me curious  
don’t do it patrick  
don’t  
let me throw myself on this grenade  
Oh GOD  
told u so  
u did this to urself  
  


Stevie  
  
**Today** 6:35 PM  
Okay, I take it back  
I am as bad as David  
omg  
this could go SO many directions im so excited  
We made it to Jocelyn’s for set up. David was getting to be…  
obnoxious?  
histrionic?  
A lot.  
So I kindly stepped in   
You know, told Jocelyn to go relax, go get ready for the party, get dressed, make up etc etc  
And of course... she was already ready.  
ouchhhhh  
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha  
david must be rubbing off on u  
(ew gross dont)  
but that kind of foot in mouth moment is Very Him  
confirmed that ur meant 2 be i guess  
Comforting to know that David and I will just slowly make each other worse at interacting with humans until there’s no one left who will speak to us  
u’ll always have me  
and by always i mean u’ll likely need to pay me in the future to keep hanging out with u losers  
but out of respect for all those years we spent as kind of acquaintances i’ll keep the price low  
You’re a generous soul, Stevie  
We’ll remember you in our wills because you’ll likely be the only friend we have by the end  
You and whatever ugly tiny dogs we end up adopting, probably  
  


Stevie  
  
**Today** 9:48 PM  
so ‘sleepy mommy’ as a concept continues to remind me how truly different david is from us  
  
and also a little concerned for whatever children you two end up having We have definitely not talked children  
But whatever spawn makes it out into the world will likely have some issues  
...God, David hasn’t mentioned children to you, right?  
slow ur roll, children of any kind have not come up  
but out of curiosity  
are you pro- or anti- little tiny rose-brewers running around?  
Honestly?  
Not a clue  
It was always a vague sketch of an idea for me, the same way my future’s always been faintly outlined in a way that’s made me nauseous to think about  
considering that future meant u getting married to a lady -  
a nice one, but still a lady  
i don’t blame u  
Right  
But as he has with literally every part of my life, David’s changed everything  
Whereas before my response would’ve been: sure? Kids? I’ll have kids. Sure.  
Now it’s: man, we’ve got a lot to talk about if that’s the plan!  
Which generally seems the more responsible way to go about parenthood anyway I guess  
gross  
responsibility  
Agreed  
**Today** 10:10 PM  
So you gonna take your turn at Sleepy Mommy? of course  
was just letting these losers build up their rhythm  
they’ve got no chance  
those soft cheeses are mine  
God speed.  
I want the brie if you win  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did anyone else notice that amazon renamed the episode "the gesture" to "the olive branch"? what. why?
> 
> anyway! if you enjoyed, please let me know! i will be retroactively commenting back on all of your lovely comments - you are all the truly best most wonderful people. apologies again for taking a few months off but work got annoying, etc etc whatever.
> 
> feel free to send me thoughts/ideas/questions @strictlybecca on tumblr and @thebeccaroo on twitter!


	10. the rollout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "ur genuine concern and care is making me feel even more ill"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see i promised! and i followed through this time! just one more to go after this :D

Stevie  
  
**Today** 8:01 AM  
ok so  
i’m not freaking out  
Great way to start this conversation  
shut up  
i’m NOT freaking out  
but i have a rash on my arms and it’s very itchy and very red and i have NO idea where it’s from  
Jesus, are you going to a doctor?  
i’ve been spending the morning setting up all the stuff for mr. rose’s rollout  
it’s sort of just  
appeared? idk  
it hurts  
Stevie, you absolutely need to go get it looked at  
i have to finish setting up all these bathroom trays with the new shipment from you guys  
And then you’re going home  
there’s still a lot to do  
Stevie  
You being okay is more important than tiny shampoos  
Please?  
fine  
ur genuine concern and care is making me feel even more ill  
so i’ll leave right after this  
Thank you  
**Today** 9:03 AM  
patrick  
patrick  
PATRICK  
answer ur goddamn phone  
Sorry! I was in a session!  
What’s up?   
Did you go to the doctor? What did they say?  
mr. rose thinks this is from ur shipment of moisturizer  
What???  
No way  
well i said the same thing but now we’re at the store and ur boyfriend ALSO has a mysterious rash  
hello?  
I just Facetimed David  
Why isn’t he picking up?  
probably because he looks like an actor playing a tragic burn victim from one of those forensic shows  
WHAT  
Is he okay??  
he’s breathing patrick  
now FOCUS  
could this have been the moisturizer  
I really don’t see how  
No one’s had a reaction like this before  
david said something about this being a new batch?  
I guess it’s possible? But seriously unlikely  
That stuff is made with literally everything all natural  
Ugh  
Tell David to pick up his phone  
his dad’s yelling at him right now  
david’s saying he sold a lot of this batch already  
also just a heads up, mr. rose is telling him to lay off sucking faces with you  
I swear to God  
This whole family is designed to drive me insane  
Could you take Mr. Rose away somewhere so David might actually pick up his phone?  
I both need to make sure my boyfriend isn’t dying of some flesh eating disease and also make sure we track down this batch and talk to the vendor to figure out what’s going on  
u dont seem particularly worried about me having a flesh eating disease  
Well if I told you I was worried about you, you’d make fun of me   
tru  
ok fine we’re leaving  
remember no sucking face with ur bf even virtually  
we don’t know how this thing spreads  
Shut up  
You’re the worst  
and yet somehow ur still worried about me u loser  
  


Stevie  
  
David refuses to Facetime me or send me a picture of the rash  
i guess he wants you to remember him as he was  
Stevie  
NOT funny  
What if it’s serious? I can’t even help figure out what it is without a picture  
it’s a little funny  
and no worries  
i totally snapped a pic of him before i left  
there i just posted it in the group chat  
Why in that chat and not here?  
to make david freak out about it of course  
Of course  
Jesus, it looks like it hurts - does yours still hurt?  
burny itchy kinda  
but not gonna kill me  
Will ONE of you go get it checked out, at least?  
sorry  
work to do  
UGH  
How are both of you only workaholics when I need you to be lazy so you go to the DOCTOR  
nope  
going to the doctor is way more work bc u have to confront ur own mortality  
no thx  
If you both die from this I’m going to kill you  
  


Stevie  
  
Soooooooo...   
Poison oak, huh?  
don’t EVEN get me started  
i will literally never listen to mr. rose again  
until some financial thing comes up i don’t understand i guess  
but until then  
no way  
never  
So clear something up for me, how did the poison oak get into the rooms?  
he THOUGHT it was just some floral greenery i guess? and put it in every vase in EVERY room  
and GUESS who revealed it  
...Who?  
ROLAND  
Ouch  
i feel like i deserve hazard pay  
damages? idk  
can i sue mr. rose for emotional trauma?  
I want to sue him for making Rose Apothecary nearly lose one of our best vendors  
Thank god for David and his weirdly compelling sales technique  
are u sure it’s not just compelling bc u 2 are dating  
No I swear  
He apologized and went to go talk to Brenda in person and boom  
No problem  
maybe they’re carrying on a torrid affair behind ur back  
Brenda’s in like her early 70s  
are u suggesting a septagenarian cant have aesthetic appeal?  
wine not the label patrick  
i’m disappointed in u  
Oh my god I’m deleting your number  
u WISH that would get rid of me  
God, I do  
I really really do  
**Today** 7:47 PM  
oh  
one more thing  
Yup?  
david cancelled the rosebud’s account  
on account of his father being an idiot  
can u undo that   
pls and thx  
You’re going to owe me  
u can add in the new contract that mr. rose and david are not allowed to talk business ever again  
and i will sign it  
…  
Deal.  
Ms. Budd, it’s been a pleasure doing business with you.  
wish i could say the same but  
yknow  
poison oak  
**Today** 7:59 PM  
Hey  
?  
Glad you’re okay  
oh GROSS  
go away  
:)  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're closing in on The Big One! guarantee it will contain some serious eye-rolling from stevie at the IDIOCY of these two boys she's somehow become friends with, so look forward to that :)
> 
> if you enjoyed this chapter please drop me a comment, they are LITERALLY my favorite things in the whole world. also please feel free to throw ideas/questions/feelings at me via my tumblr @strictlybecca or my twitter @thebeccaroo.
> 
> thx for being the best :)


End file.
